The thing about a marriage is that it’s a big deal. You’re making a lifelong commitment to another person, and choosing to share everything you have forever. That is bound to intimidate even the most courageous of people and once the excitement of the new engagement is over, doubt might settle in. If you start to notice a change in your partner’s behaviour in the days leading up to the wedding, it’s easy to panic or think their feelings for you have changed. Guess what, feeling unsure before the big day is normal! But fret not, it doesn’t mean it’s all over. Here’s what to do when you see the signs:

Don’t make assumptions

Actually, this counts for all relationships in life. Never assume you know something if it hasn’t been explicitly communicated. You might read too much into insignificant situations, or you might just have caught the tail end of a story. Also remember that nerves are not the same as cold feet, so don’t confuse anticipation with your partner bailing on you. It’s a big day for you both.

Don’t confront them immediately

Sometimes, the first reaction to detecting behavioural change is to go to the person and ask what’s bothering them. This is usually not a good idea, as it could imply mistrust, or it could simply be something minor that will blow over. If, like we mentioned before, it’s just nerves or other stress, confrontation might feel like an attack when in fact they need support. First give them two or three weeks to process what they need to. However, don’t leave it too long, either! If, for some reason there is a change in feelings on either side, it would be better to work it out sooner rather than later.

Have a relaxed sit down

So, you’ve given them time and nothing has changed? If you’re still worried and your partner hasn’t confided in you yet, there might be something worth discussing before you tie the knot. Remember, the end goal is not to generate conflict, pass blame or accuse them of anything. The aim here is open communication and making the best decision for you both. Ask them to set some time aside for a coffee or beer, and calmly ask them what’s been on their mind lately. If you still don’t get a response, state the reasons you have for your concerns, and make it clear that you are open to listen, even if it might not be what you want to hear.

Give them time

After the conversation, both should know exactly how the other one feels. But no hasty decision has ever benefited anyone, so don’t run off and do something crazy. If they are just feeling insecure and need some time to make extra sure, be mature enough to give them that time.  If they have firmly decided that, sadly, they have changed their mind for real, still allow some time to pass before calling off the wedding and making things public. Remember, this is a difficult topic and should be handled sensitively.

Make peace with the outcome 

After you’ve been through the process, we hope that all remains well and your partner just needed to blow off some steam. Hopefully you’re both reassured of your desires to be together and are now even more excited than ever! If, however, things take a turn for the worse and either or both of you decide not to go ahead, you will have to slowly make your peace with it. If it was your partner’s decision, there’s really nothing you can do. Remember, it might hurt now, but a divorce later on will be devastating. Surround yourself with a support system and give yourself time to heal.

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