Marriage is a big step, one not to be taken lightly. Before making this commitment, its important to spend time with your partner to discuss major topics that could affect your future.
While love and mutual respect is considered the most important aspects of a relationship, there are many other external factors that could affect your journey. Making sure you and your partner are open and honest with each other about various topics will help alleviate future issues.
Here are some topics to bring up before your big day:
Debt
If you have debt, it is important that your partner knows about it and how much it is. South Africans automatically marry in community of property, which means that the estates of the married couple are combined and thus debt is inherited. Property and debts acquired prior to or during the marriage are shared equally in undivided shares (50%) and spouses are jointly liable to creditors.
Children
Do you and your partner want children? If yes, how many? It is incredibly important to be on the same page with this, as bringing a child into the world is a major life decision that should not be made lightly. Some people don’t want to have kids at all, and it is unfair to persuade an unwilling partner to change their mind later on in life.
Career/education
If your partner gets an amazing job or learning opportunity that requires relocation, how will you deal with that? Are you committed to moving with them or will you be long-distance?
Religion
While you and your partner do not need to practice the same religion, the core beliefs could cause conflict if they are incredibly different. For example, if one of you is Catholic and therefore oppose abortion while the other is pro-choice, this could be an issue in the future if an unwanted pregnancy were to occur.
Sexual compatibility
Sex is a part of marriage, and when and how you choose to do it is an important discussion. Consent needs to be defined, and both partners must be aware that it is necessary every time you have sex as marital rape is illegal in the country. It is also important to have an open and honest conversation on sexual fantasies and expectations, so that partners feel comfortable expressing their desires.
Finances
Money is one of the major issues in a relationship. How will you pay for things once you are married? Will you split bills equally, or divide based on salaries? How will you save and spend your money?
Gender roles
This will impact on household duties and who does what in the relationship. For example, if one person believes women should do all the cooking and cleaning while the other believes the work should be equally divided, this could cause major resentment.
Boundaries with others
What is your partner comfortable with in regards to how you interact with people of the sex you are attracted to? For example, if they are the jealous type, you being touchy-feely with someone, even in a non-romantic way, might create tension with your partner. It is important to know what your partner’s boundaries are and to discuss it if it conflicts with your own.
Social media activity is also connected here. Some are more private than others, and don’t like to share details about their personal life on the internet while others post everything and anything.
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When you tie the knot, you enter into a legally binding agreement. With all the paperwork required, it’s important to do things right the first time to avoid any further legal issues.
All marriages in South Africa must be registered at the Department of Home Affairs. There are three types of marriages that are recognised under South African law: civil marriages, customary marriages and civil unions. Each one has different paperwork requirements, so couples need to know which one they plan to enter into.
If you are planning on having a civil marriage, you must:
– ensure that you are legally allowed to marry
– understand the legal consequences of a marriage, particularly that marriages in South Africa are automatically in community of property, unless a valid ante-nuptial contract has been entered into before the marriage, and
– make sure that your marriage will comply with all the legal requirements for a valid marriage
Should you be unsure of any of these, legal counsel should be sought before the marriage is entered into.
On the day of the marriage, a couple must present the following documents to the person officiating at the wedding:
– Identity documents(for each person getting married)
– If a foreign national is marrying a South African citizen, they should both present their valid passports as well as well as a completed BI-31 Form (Declaration for the Purpose of Marriage, Letter of no impediment)
– If the wedding is for a minor (a person under the age of 18 years), the written consent of both parents/ legal guardian or the Commissioner of Child Welfare or a judge should be submitted on Form DHA-32 as well. If the minors getting married are under the ages of 18 for boys or 15 for girls, the written consent from the Minister of Home Affairs will also be required
– If any of the persons getting married are divorced, then the final decree of divorce should be furnished
– If any of the persons getting married are widowed, the deceased spouse’s death certificate must be submitted.
Marriage certificates
Two witnesses and the marriage officer must sign the marriage register after the solemnisation of a marriage. Then the marriage officer must issue the parties with a handwritten marriage certificate (BI-27) free of charge.
The marriage officer must then submit the marriage register to the nearest office of the Department of Home Affairs, where the marriage details will be recorded in the National Population Register (NPR).
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Shopping, meetings, and social events have all moved online since the peak of the coronavirus pandemic. Even weddings have changed. Couples that had planned to have big ceremonies to celebrate their big day were forced to downsize or put the ceremony on hold until the pandemic subsides.
Upon seeing different reactions and frustration from social media, a study was conducted to understand how couples really feel about marrying during the lockdown.
One poll on behalf of custom menswear brand INDOCHINO found that 48% of people planning a wedding would rather shrink their guest list than postpone it. A survey was sent out to 2000 people and based on responses, and it revelaed that 22% considered holding a virtual wedding instead of postponing.
The World Economic Forum (WEF) also did research on how couples around the world dealing with the sudden changes in the world and how that will affect their plans.
Most weddings have been canceled or postponed in the UK, with the country under lockdown restrictions limiting gatherings.
For some couples in India, the usual throng of wedding guests has been replaced by an audience of mobile phones and tablets streaming live wedding ceremonies to distant family and relatives.
In South Africa, couples were posting their small ceremonies on social media, for a country that is known for big celebrations, this was interestingly welcomed in a positive light.
Drive through nuptials, virtual ceremonies, and only having few people attend the ceremony might be the new normal for the longest time.
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Bachelor and bachelorettes, stereotypical nights filled with sexual props and drunk and disorderly behaviour, have been around for centuries. Although the Spartans may not have had straws shaped like male genitalia, this tradition before the wedding day has followed similar themes throughout history.
It is hard to pinpoint exactly where the modern idea of a big night out before the big day comes from. Tropes like “your last night of freedom” are more frowned upon these days, as marriage is meant to be something positive rather than a trap. However, even the most in-love couple are likely to opt for some kind of celebration of their last days of singlehood.
Bachelor Party
According to most sources, the earliest records of such parties start in the 5th Century with the Spartans. These would be strictly for the groom, where his friends would host dinners and toasts to honour him.
The tradition of a debaucherous party is picked up again in the 1800s. According to Time, circus owner P.T. Barnum’s grandson Herbert Barnum Seeley threw a bachelor party in 1896 for his brother that “was raided by police after rumours circulated that a famous belly dancer would be performing nude.”
While this sounds very much like the stripper-filled evenings most bachelor parties are thought to be, this event wasn’t called a bachelor party at the time. The first use of the term is linked to a publication in the Chambers’s Journal of Literature, Science and Arts from 1922.
By the mid-1900’s the bachelor parties we know today had started to take shape with excessive drinking, strippers, and all-around bad behaviour by the groom. These were often held the night before the wedding, which must have resulted in some horrible wedding day hangovers.
Bachelorette
Unsurprisingly, it was much later that women were allowed to pick-up similarly drunken evenings to celebrate their upcoming nuptials. For years, the best a bride could hope for is a “shower” where she would be given presents to prepare her for the role of doting wife.
These were subdued affairs with tea and finger sandwiches, rather than champagne and dancing on bar tables.
As the sexual revolution gained momentum in the ’60s, this idealised housewife trope was fast becoming unpopular and many brides began opting for their version of a bachelor party. These included drinking, dancing, singing, a night out with your friends, and eventually a lot of penis paraphernalia.
The recognised term bachelorette party was cemented in the 80s when this became a standard of brides, although it was also accompanied by a bridal shower so the older women could celebrate as well.
A modern affair
Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are still incredibly popular although they are quickly being modified to be less gendered. May couples are opting to have shared bachelor/bachelorette parties which include both men and women, rather than one or the other. Some couples still have separate events but they aren’t “men” vs “women” but each partner’s friends.
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