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In Advice

Things you should know about premarital counselling

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In the past, premarital counselling was mainly carried out in religious institutions. These days, however, it has become more popular with non-religious couples too. Couples go to seek guidance and advice in the hopes of preventing divorce.

According to the Mayo Clinic, “Premarital counseling is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage”. They add that the sessions will assist you in identifying weaknesses that could result in trouble for you as a couple further down the road.

What to expect from premarital counselling: 

The counselling is usually carried out by a licenced therapist. You’ll sit in the therapists office with your partner by your side discussing a variety of topics related to marriage. Some of these topics include: Money, quality time together, sex, roles in marriage, children, extended family, beliefs and values, and goals.

Some therapists may have you fill out questionnaires separately. The questionnaire will have you answer questions about each other. Thereafter, the therapist will help you to work through the results together.

Benefits of premarital counselling: 

– Helps guide the conversation 

Discussing heavy topics such as religion, sex, or kids, can result in both partners getting emotional and therefore losing focus of the topic at hand. A counsellor will help to guide the conversation. They also ensure you don’t get angry or misinterpret each other.

– Teaches communication 

An important thing to know is that different people respond in different ways to tones and speech patterns. You must be aware of how your partner needs to be spoken to, in order to feel understood, supported, and heard. Premarital counselling also teaches you how to communicate in a healthy and productive way.

– Helps you prepare for your future together 

You will be made aware of which expectations are realistic and which are not.  You will also get an idea of your timing and goals as a couple, for example when you both want to have kids, or when you want to move to a bigger house. Additionally, your anxieties and fears will be lessened as a result of how well counselling demystifies marriage. It also ensure’s that you avoid many potential conflicts in the future.

– You’ll learn more about yourself and your partner 

Often, counselling is an eye opening experience. You discover things about yourself you’ve never known because the mental health professional is guiding you towards these realisations. When you and your partner have these experiences together, it also becomes a sort of bonding experience.

Tips for successful premarital counselling: 

– Know that it will be tough 

You’ll be dealing with very touchy subjects. Be sure to be as open as you can and don’t be scared to be vulnerable. Most importantly, don’t give up because it’s uncomfortable! Remember that in the end, this will only grow and strengthen your relationship.

– Don’t say what you think they want to hear 

Avoid saying things that downplay your emotions or opinions, don’t answer in a way that you think is correct (there are no right or wrong answers). You should also avoid saying things just because it makes you seem more compatible with your significant other. If you do that, there will be no real progress.

– It’s not a competition 

There is no winner or loser, and there should be no “I told you so” at the end of the session.

Be open to listening and accepting that you are both capable of being better.

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How to combine your bachelorette and kitchen tea
In Bridal Party

How to combine your bachelorette and kitchen tea

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Times have changed and so have traditions. It’s the year 2021 and most people have been greatly affected by the pandemic. Budgets are tight and health concerns are real. If you’re getting married but don’t feel you need to have both a bachelorette and a kitchen tea, there are several ways to combine them into one awesome bridal event.

There are loads of benefits of combining the two events into one. Weddings tend to happen in a shorter span of time between getting engaged and getting married due to ever-changing COVID-19 regulations. One bridal event will save time and energy, as well as money. It will also mean you get exposed to fewer people and environments, keeping your immediate bubble small and staying within that bubble instead of hanging out with different groups of people.

Here are some ideas of ways your bridal event can include everyone from your mom and aunt to your besties. Activities that everyone will enjoy and don’t break the bank is the way to go.

Private picnic

Picnics never get old. It’s chic, low-fuss and absolutely yummy. You can choose a theme or let the theme be the food! Gather your closest ladies and avoid the crowds by finding a private spot. You can also book a picnic from a vendor so it can be all set up in a cosy little nook when you arrive, ready to dig in.

Day by the pool

It’s summer! Sun’s out, which means bikinis and sarongs are on. Plan a fun day of leisurely lounging by the pool if you have access to one. Make cocktails together and get your dose of Vitamin D. Remember to wear adequate sunscreen, hats and seek out some shade every now and then.

Board and card games

 

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Who doesn’t love a good games night? Collect all your favourite board and card games and let your competitive side take over. You can even go as far as to place bets so there’s real incentive to win, or take it easy and just have a good laugh with your mates for the sake of it.

Cook or bake together 

 

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Food, glorious food. Whether you’re an aspiring fine-dining chef or just a plain old sweet tooth, get everyone together for a day of creating a beautiful meal, dessert or even just snacks. You can go for a cooking class or go DIY, as long as you walk away with a full belly and happy heart. Oh, and don’t forget to open a bottle of wine.

Spa day

Look, we’re not saying it’s never been done before. But honestly, who wouldn’t want to do it again (and again and again)? Book a day at your favourite spa for some serious relaxation. Plus, it will leave everyone looking and feeling refreshed and in top form for the big day!

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Supporting your partner's pronouns during wedding planning
In Advice

Supporting your partner’s pronouns during wedding planning

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There are many couples whose identities are outside of the heteronormative spectrum. They are always the minority and have to constantly fight for their place in society.

They normally use different pronouns and chances are that people will get them wrong, which can be frustrating for them. If your partner exists outside of this box, there are things you can do to make life easier when planning your wedding.

What are pronouns?

Some non-binary/genderqueer people prefer to use gender-neutral pronouns. Usage of the singular ‘they’, ‘their’, and ‘them’ is the most common.

These are words that refer to an individual in place of their name. They describe different gender identities other than just male or female.

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Don’t give in to traditional gender roles

The idea that women can only have female friends and men can only have male friends should not exist in your plan for the wedding.

Instead of traditions like the “Best Man Speech,” use gender-free labels like “Friends and Family Speeches.”

Everyone should have the same tasks unless it’s beyond their physical strength, do not give men certain tasks because of their gender and the belief that they are stronger.

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Specify in your wedding registry

Monitory donations are a great alternative to avoid receiving gender-specific gifts. You can even ask for donations to your favourite charity, preferably one fighting for LGBTQIA+ rights to help give back on your big day.

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Include correct pronouns on your invitation card and wedding day

Your guest list might include people they haven’t met before. To help initiate that conversation, use clear preferred pronouns. Use wedding planning tools as a way to introduce your guests to your partner’s pronouns, and ask for your guests’ pronouns when they RSVP.

If a person uses the incorrect pronouns when referring to your partner,  address it respectfully.

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Hire LGBTQIA + accomodating vendors

Not only are you supporting the larger  LGBTQIA+ community, but it will also make things easy to work with people that understand you.  Your partner will be more relaxed and that will result in them feeling included and validated.

The work will be less because most of their tools will not need to be altered or change to suit your needs, as they are already set up like that.

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In Advice

Tech and apps for couples separated by lockdown

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For the couples having a tough time being separated for such a long period, we understand your pain! Being away from your significant other is never easy, and now you have no choice about the matter.

This may leave you feeling down and out, as the distances puts strain on your relationship. Maybe you’re fighting more, or maybe you’re just dying to be by each other’s sides. Whatever the reason, you’re probably looking for some solutions by now! Especially since we’re unsure of how long the stages of lockdown will last, and in which stage we will be able to visit people socially.

To help you ease the longing for each other, there are some apps and devices that you could download or buy (respectively), to help your relationship during lockdown.

Here are some of our favourites, to ensure you’re feeling the love no matter the distance:

Apps: 

Loklok 

For those couples who enjoy leaving little notes for each other, this ones for you. Essentially, the app gives you access to each other’s lockscreens, but not in a creepy way!

It allows you to upload photos, do doodles or write cute messages on your partner’s lockscreen. When they look at their phone, they’ll see the sweet message you’ve left for them. The app is only available for android users.

Rave

Just because you’re separated in distance, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a movie together. Rave allows couples to stream videos together, and gives you a chat bar underneath the video for your running commentary.

You can use it to watch Netflix, YouTube, Vimeo and more. If you’re wanting to watch something you own a copy of, upload the video to Dropbox or Google Drive and you’ll be able to watch it together!

Available for iOS and Android.

Lovedays

Using this app, you can see countdowns to all important events in your relationship such as your anniversary, upcoming vacation, or the next time you’ll see each other.

Available on iTunes and Google Play.

NUJJ 

A simple app, but probably the most adorable. All you do is shake your phone when you’re missing your love, and they will receive a little vibration on their end. Cute! Right?

Tech:

Friendship lamps

Similar to the NUJJ app, but with a more visual expression of emotion, a friendship lamp will let you know your partner is missing you. When one of you touches the lamp, the other’s lamp lights up. It will melt your heart to know that you’re being thought of.

Purchase here for R3 109.

Pillow Talk 

If you don’t like sleeping alone, then this device has got you covered. Pillow Talk is a wristband you wear when you sleep, it recognizes your heartbeat and sends it to your partner in real time.

You download the app, slip the band around your wrist, and put the speaker under your pillow, and there you go! It’s like you can hear them sleeping next to you.

Purchase here for R3 512, 96

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In Engagements

The Queen of the gems: Opulent opals

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Those wanting a unique engagement ring, look no further. An opal may be an unconventional choice to centre your engagement ring, but wow is it stunning. This unique gemstone is much loved by many for its mesmerising pattern and kaleidoscope colours.

Birthstone for the month of October, opals can be dated back to 4000 B.C. The gemstone is made up of a solution of silicon dioxide and water. As water runs down the Earth, it collects particles of silica from sandstone. This mixture falls into cracks and voids and as the water evaporates, it leaves behind a silica deposit that will eventually turn into an opal. This, however, is an incredibly slow process, and takes an estimated 5 million years to solidify just one centimetre of opal.

The name is said to be derived from the Roman word ‘Opalus’ which translates into ‘precious stone’, and the Greek derivative ‘Opallios’, meaning ‘to see a change of colour’. The ancient Greeks believed that the gemstone was formed by tears wept by Zeus, God of the sky and thunder, when he defeated the titans. As such, the gemstone was believed to have prophetic powers. The stone is symbolic of purity and hope, protecting the wearer from harm.

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Opals can be sorted into two classes: precious and common. Precious opals are iridescent, common opals are not. Precious opals traditionally display two colours: the background colour and their play-of-colour (iridescence). The impurities within the silica determine the stones background colour, and the play-in-colour is created by the way the silica settles together. Those colourful flecks you see in the stone are made up of tiny silica-spheres that reflect light. As a result, opals can come in most colours from red to blue and even black – the rarest form.

There are a multitude of natural opals, such as black opal, white opal, crystal opal and jelly opal. Boulder opals are the most unique and are able to reflect the entire rainbow.

The majority of the world’s opals come from Australia, although other popular countries include Ethiopia, Brazil, and Mexico. Wildly enough, opals have even been discovered on Mars!

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The opal market was almost destroyed by author Sir Walter Scott’s 1829 bestselling novel, Anne of Geuerstein, which told the story of a woman accused of being a demoness who died when holy water touched her opal and destroyed it. Opal sales plummeted after the book was published as readers believed the book was warning of the opals bad luck. In 1877 a black opal was discovered in New South Wales, Australia, helping this precious gemstone lose its bad reputation.

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Since then, opals have continued to be popular among many. It was Queen Victoria’s favourite stone, and was even dubbed ‘the Queen of Gems’. Other royal icons that shared a love for this precious stone include Cleopatra and Empress Josephine. Millennial brides are loving this one-of-a-kind gemstone for its vintage feel and unique look.

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In Accessories

Enchanting emerald engagement rings

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Coloured stones are trending for engagement rings in 2020, and it’s clear to see why. From tanzanite to rubies, these brightly-hued stones offer a unique edge that is perfect for a bride wanting to be different.

Brides have been loving emerald stones to centre their engagement rings in recent years. Brilliant and bright, emeralds are among the most popular gemstones in the world.

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Emeralds are a variety of the mineral beryl and get their colouring from trace amounts of chromium and/or vanadium. The first known emerald was found in Egypt around 1500 BC.  What makes this gemstone so special is its deep, rich green hue. Interestingly, this stone can range in tone from deep to pale green.

Dubbed the “Stone of Successful Love,” emeralds are particularly symbolic for romance. The stone is said to open and nurture the heart and embody unity, compassion and unconditional love.

Emeralds have been found in Africa, Asia, and South America. Columbia yields the largest amount of this gemstone, producing more than 50% worldwide.

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Brides and celebrities alike have coveted this gemstone for years, including Kate Middleton, Jackie O, Elizabeth Taylor and Victoria Beckham. Even Cleopatra favoured this stone.

No matter the cut, this stone will look incredible. Most popular, however, is the emerald cut.

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In Engagements

10 fun engagement party ideas

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Now that you’ve got the ring, you’ve said yes, and you’ve spread your great news, it’s time to celebrate! Your engagement party is the first of many celebrations to come before the wedding in which you get to honour your relationship. You’ll definitely want to start your wedding journey off with a bang.

While some may opt for the traditional engagement party, others may want to spice things up a bit. Since an engagement party is a celebration of the couple, it should reflect their personalities, right?

Here are some fun engagement party ideas to get your imagination flowing:

–  Classy back yard picnic 

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– Garden Dinner 

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– Wine and cheese tasting 

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– Casino Party 

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– At home silent disco 

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– Glamping for a night 

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– A bonfire at the beach 

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– Dress up/themed party 

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– Backyard movie night 

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– Cocktail party 

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Bonus: 

– Tribute to your first date

If you did something exciting on your first date or ate some great food, try to incorporate that into the party. If you went to a certain restaurant, perhaps you could host the party there. Maybe you went to a carnival – you could either have all your guest join you at another carnival, or you could have a carnival themed party.

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In Engagements

Say ‘I do’ to tantalising Tanzanite

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Those wanting to bring a little colour to their life are skipping the traditional diamond in favour of a unique stone to centre their engagement ring. With so many stones to choose from, one stands above the rest.

Tanzanite is a variety of the mineral zoisite and varies in hues from blue, to violet, or purple. According to Shimansky, this gemstone is a ‘geological phenomenon’, making it 1000 times more valuable than a diamond.

One of the world’s rarest gemstones comes from a 4km strip of land at the foothills of Mount Kilimanjaro. It is estimated to have been created more than 550 million years ago when Mount Kilimanjaro was first formed. However, it was only discovered in 1967 by a prospector named Manuel d’Souza and a Maasai tribesman named Ali Juuyawatu whilst hunting for sapphire.

Tanzanite has only ever been found in Tanzania.  The gem is believed to have been created in a unique process called regional metamorphism, in which tectonic plates collide with one another and the igneous rocks morph into one another through extreme pressure. These rocks reach near melting-point and result in beautiful crystal structures. As tectonic plates contain a variety of different minerals, the crystal structures will vary in appearance. This particular mix has never been discovered anywhere else in the world.

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Scientists believe the chances of these conditions being replicated to produce another batch of tanzanite is about one in a million. Once the mines have been emptied, there will be no more tanzanite unless a new source is found.  It is predicted that within 10-15 years, gem-quality tanzanite stones will no longer exist. As such, as the years progress, this stone will continue to become more and more valuable.

Tanzanite rose in popularity when Tiffany & Co. founder Louis Comfort Tiffany’s great grandson, Henry Platt, fell in love with the precious gem. Platt renamed the stone ‘tanzanite’ after its country of origin, and considered it to be the most important gemstone discovery in over 2 000 years. Tanzanite quickly became one of the most coveted gems in the world.

Tanzanite is the official birthstone of December, and is considered to symbolise good luck and prosperity, typically associated with celebrations of new life and new beginnings. This stone is particularly meaningful for the Maasai, who believe the colour blue is sacred and spiritual. The Maasai even have a tradition in which they gift new mothers a tanzanite as an offering of health, positivity and prosperity for the child.

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Being extremely valuable and rare, tanzanite jewellery is in high demand. As such, they are considered investment pieces. Celebrities like Kate Middleton, Beyonce and and Cate Blanchett have all turned heads in this gorgeous gem.

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Spain’s Roman Catholic Church launches multi-year marriage training

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The Roman Catholic Church in Spain has recently introduced a new programme that will require engaged couples to enroll in a two-to-three year course designed to prepare people for marriage. This decision was created in the hopes of lowering the country’s high divorce rates.

Couples wanting to marry in a Roman Catholic Church in Spain are currently required to participate in 20 hours of marriage training, but priests argue that this is not enough time to prepare for a life-time promise.

Speaking at a press conference, Monsignor Mario Iceta, the bishop of Bilbao and the president of the conference’s subcommittee for the family and the defence of life said, “You can’t prepare for marriage in 20 hours. To be a priest, you need to spend seven years in the seminary, so what about being a husband, wife, mother or father? Just 20 hours?”

The high divorce rate is a cause for concern for many priests. Spain currently has the second-highest divorce rate in the world after Luxembourg. Many blame the “express divorce” law, which speeds up the process of divorce by removing the need for a trial separation. While there is no official data for the last few year, it is estimated that the rate sits at 60%.

To remedy this, the Spanish Episcopal Conference announced their latest voluntary programme for engaged couples called ‘On the Path Together’, designed to “accompany, prepare and help young couples towards the matrimonial vocation”.

The course is divided into 12 sections that focus on different aspects of a relationship, including ‘communication’, ‘fidelity’, ‘the beauty of sexuality’, and ‘conflict resolution’. Couples participating in the course will be required to attend the fortnightly sessions and practice ‘chastity’ throughout.

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I think my partner is getting cold feet, what now?

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The thing about a marriage is that it’s a big deal. You’re making a lifelong commitment to another person, and choosing to share everything you have forever. That is bound to intimidate even the most courageous of people and once the excitement of the new engagement is over, doubt might settle in. If you start to notice a change in your partner’s behaviour in the days leading up to the wedding, it’s easy to panic or think their feelings for you have changed. Guess what, feeling unsure before the big day is normal! But fret not, it doesn’t mean it’s all over. Here’s what to do when you see the signs:

Don’t make assumptions

Actually, this counts for all relationships in life. Never assume you know something if it hasn’t been explicitly communicated. You might read too much into insignificant situations, or you might just have caught the tail end of a story. Also remember that nerves are not the same as cold feet, so don’t confuse anticipation with your partner bailing on you. It’s a big day for you both.

Don’t confront them immediately

Sometimes, the first reaction to detecting behavioural change is to go to the person and ask what’s bothering them. This is usually not a good idea, as it could imply mistrust, or it could simply be something minor that will blow over. If, like we mentioned before, it’s just nerves or other stress, confrontation might feel like an attack when in fact they need support. First give them two or three weeks to process what they need to. However, don’t leave it too long, either! If, for some reason there is a change in feelings on either side, it would be better to work it out sooner rather than later.

Have a relaxed sit down

So, you’ve given them time and nothing has changed? If you’re still worried and your partner hasn’t confided in you yet, there might be something worth discussing before you tie the knot. Remember, the end goal is not to generate conflict, pass blame or accuse them of anything. The aim here is open communication and making the best decision for you both. Ask them to set some time aside for a coffee or beer, and calmly ask them what’s been on their mind lately. If you still don’t get a response, state the reasons you have for your concerns, and make it clear that you are open to listen, even if it might not be what you want to hear.

Give them time

After the conversation, both should know exactly how the other one feels. But no hasty decision has ever benefited anyone, so don’t run off and do something crazy. If they are just feeling insecure and need some time to make extra sure, be mature enough to give them that time.  If they have firmly decided that, sadly, they have changed their mind for real, still allow some time to pass before calling off the wedding and making things public. Remember, this is a difficult topic and should be handled sensitively.

Make peace with the outcome 

After you’ve been through the process, we hope that all remains well and your partner just needed to blow off some steam. Hopefully you’re both reassured of your desires to be together and are now even more excited than ever! If, however, things take a turn for the worse and either or both of you decide not to go ahead, you will have to slowly make your peace with it. If it was your partner’s decision, there’s really nothing you can do. Remember, it might hurt now, but a divorce later on will be devastating. Surround yourself with a support system and give yourself time to heal.

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